Designing My Own Catastrophe

My doctor yelled at me yesterday and made me cry.

I had a regularly scheduled check up for my Type II Diabetes and it didn’t go well.

I have an excuse…I’m grieving.

That wasn’t a good enough excuse for my doctor and she wanted to know what it was going to take for me to start taking care of myself.

Good question…

…one that I don’t have an answer for.

I had a bit of a meltdown when I got home.  My husband and I had a fight. I railed about all the reasons why I am having such a hard time getting control of my disease.  All valid, all reasonable and all completely and unreservedly empty.

Later when I had calmed down and was feeling a little less sorry for myself, I asked myself the question.  Why am I not taking my health seriously?  Why am I not looking after myself?

I still don’t know.  I don’t know why I find it so hard to do what I know my body needs.  I don’t know why I find it so hard to remember to take my medication.  My doctor wants me to see a psychologist, suggesting that there is a block in my mind as to why I am struggling with this.  Maybe, but I don’t think I am the only one that struggles to take care of themselves.  I don’t think it is an unusual thing at all.

We hear all the time about people having heart attacks that doctors say could have been prevented.  As a society we work too hard, work too long, eat crap, let stress rule our lives, drink too much, drive too fast and generally live lives that lack care and consideration for our health.  Why is my situation any different?

We all have excuses for why we live the way we do and why we don’t look after ourselves.  Whether it is because we feel we have to look after others first, or whether we think we have time for that later when we have achieved A,B & C.  Some of us feel that we don’t deserve to be healthy or happy, some of us see looking after ourselves as selfish, still others of us want someone else to look after us.  It may be laziness, lack of willpower, a feeling of being bullet proof or even a martyr complex, whatever it is, we are designing our own catastrophe.

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