Happy New Year!
It is January 1, 2015 and I am doing what most people are doing…I am looking back.
I had high hopes for my 2014, there was so much potential at the beginning of the year and I decided I would grab it by the short and curlies and run with it. We had so much to look forward to – our eldest son had just gotten married, we had two thriving businesses, our youngest son was chasing his dreams in the UK and we were looking forward to being empty-nesters and pursuing opportunities that we missed by having children so young…our life was good. I wrote a bucket list of the things I would like to achieve in the year and I set to with gusto. But life had other ideas.
My 2014 was not the year that was promised to me in those first optimistic blushes of sunrise on New Year’s Day…my 2014 is a year that I wish had turned out so differently – from near devastating financial issues to the absolutely devastating loss of our daughter-in-law – my 2014 was not the year I thought it would be – but it was life and I lived it and as much as it was painful and horrible, I would live through it again if I had to.
I wish with all my heart that things had turned out differently. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish that Kari-Lee had not died – I would do anything and everything in my power to stop that from happening, but if I had to live last year again – without any changes to the outcomes – I would, because those precious months with her are like pearls of great price. Her life and her death has taught me so much and forever changed me.
Last year I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve during my 2014, twelve things in fact, and of the twelve I only achieved three, but that is ok. It is ok because at least I tried. We often look at life as destinations and milestones rather than looking at the journey as a whole. Kari taught me that. She taught me to appreciate every breath, every step, every attempt. She lived with the knowledge that her life had an end date that was a lot sooner than most, but she didn’t let it stop her. She took risks and never let an opportunity pass her by and she never let fear stop her from living. That is what I want to do too.
It won’t be easy. My family and I are still in the grips of grief and we struggle daily with the hole in our lives, but I don’t want to give up on living. I don’t want to let this next year slip by without appreciating what I have got – a chance to live – and I want to make it count. I want to make Kari-Lee proud as she watches from her window in heaven. I want to have a life that at the end I can say, “I did it all.”
This is a song by One Republic that we played at Kari-Lee’s funeral. This song captures the essence of Kari’s life. This is my theme song for the next twelve months – maybe for the rest of my life.