I expected the world to stop.
I expected the world to pause…to take a collective breath…to notice.
In that moment, right at that very moment, I expected there to be some sort of acknowledgement from the universe that you had gone.
But there was none.
We, who witnessed you stepping into heaven, knew you had left this mortal coil, knew that you had walked into eternity, knew that you had left your frail mortality behind, but there was no acknowledgement from the universe, no shudder from the world that it had lost one of it’s souls, no pause to notice that we had lost a bright light, a shining star, a gentle heart.
My heart still beats, my lungs breathe, my eyes blink…shouldn’t something have changed? Shouldn’t there be some sort of outward appearance that part of my heart is gone? Shouldn’t there be a mark on me to tell others that we, the world, have lost a precious soul? Shouldn’t the world mourn?
But the world still turns. People go about their daily lives, unaware.
I stand apart, the world a blur of movement around me, and I ask why. Why does life go on around me? Shouldn’t it just stop?
I feel like I am moving through honey, the world around me in hyper drive while I struggle against the resistance. Sounds come from far away, muffled. I am cocooned, my life seemingly out of time and space, drifting, unable to find purchase, unable to find stability and unable to care.
I expected the world to stop, just for a little while, just so I could find my feet, just so I could come to terms with living without you.
But it didn’t.
And so life goes on…without you.
And I am trying to keep up, trying to keep my head above water, trying to do what the world expects me to do while inside I am breaking. Inside I am a mess of smashed dreams, shattered wishes and fractured hopes and every movement causes me to brush up against those broken shards and the pain is renewed, relived.
I expected the world to stop, just for a moment. I expected the universe to pause, to make an adjustment, to prepare itself for life without you.
Because how can this world keep turning when you are not in it?